Christopher Columbus was a dick.

This October 12th, we will be celebrating the day Columbus discovered America. We call this Columbus Day. Venezualans call it the Day of Indigenous Resistance. They call it this because the Day the Native Culture Got Sodomized was already taken (citation needed).

Columbus started this day off right by dicking one of his crew out of a small fortune. The first person to sight land was supposed to get a pension for life of 10,000 maravedis (at current exchange rates, about twelve bucks). The sailor tried to collect his reward, and Columbus informed him that he himself had "seen a light" the evening before, and the sailor would get nothing (Zinn 2). To give you an idea how much money this was back then, consider the following: In 1755, after two hundred sixty more years of inflation, the Homestead Newspaper valued a "Mulatto boy" named Harry at $27 (Indentured Servants and Slave Prices). So basically, Columbus cheated an employee out of the equivalent of a free slave, every two years, for life. Before breakfast.

He then came ashore, and met a friendly people called the Arawak. They were very generous and friendly, giving Columbus and his men presents. Columbus, seeing the tiny gold earrings they wore, assumed the island had gold floating around everywhere... like pollen, or genocide. He took a bunch of slaves back to Spain, lied to the King and Queen about what he found, and came back with more ships. That's when the real fun began. Spanish gold lust got to the point over the next few years that they forced all the natives to bring them gold every three months (Zinn 4). They gave a token to each person who brought it, and whenever they caught a native without this token, they cut off his fucking hands and let him bleed to death.

Might have looked something like this.

When the spanish were bored, they would "cut slices off [the natives] to test the sharpness of their blades". If they fought, they were captured, and either hanged or burned alive. If they ran, the Spanish hunted them down with dogs. The Arawak people responded with mass suicides. All told, in 2 years, Columbus and his men were responsible for 125,000 deaths in Haiti. To put that in perspective, if modern-day Tallahassee had been the place ol' Chris had landed, he would have killed 3 out of 4 people. In 2 years (Zinn 4-7).

Columbus, you get a 10/10 on the International Dickhead Scale. Congratulations, dick.

Citations:

"Indentured Servants and Slave Prices" http://curry.edschool.virginia.edu/socialstudies/projects/jvc/unit/econ/msstatemsg.html 27 March 2009

Zinn, Howard. A people's history of the United States. New York: HarperCollins, 1999.

Warden Samuel Norton was a dick.

I realize that some people may not know who Warden Samuel Norton is. I encourage those people to rethink their lives.

Warden Norton is the warden of Shawshank Prison in The Shawshank Redemption. He enjoys the classic warden hobbies of buying worm-ridden food, employing an openly sadistic captain of the guards, ignoring shower rape, and working on his smirk.

"I'm sorry, but preventing shower rape's just not in the budget."

Tim Robbins' character, Andy Dufresne, is in prison for a murder he didn't commit, and is making a habit of being raped in places much more creative than a shower. Tool sheds, laundry supply rooms, and projection rooms are all fair game. Warden Norton realizes that he has a chance to exploit his captive slave labor, and offers Andy a deal: temporary rape immunity in exchange for embezzling and laundering a fuckload of money. Andy accepts, and they live happily ever after, thriving off of each other's mutual favors.

Ha! Just kidding. Instead, evidence surfaces showing Andy's innocence, and Norton has the only witness shot. Andy threatens to stop, and Norton informs him that he will be "cast down with the sodomites."

7/10. Fucking prick.

Kanye West is a Dick.

Kanye West is one of those guys that most people just try to ignore. His outrageous self-comparisons to Jesus, his insistence that he is one of the great singers of our time, and his generally questionable sunglasses scream "douchebag."

Also, he is a breakdancing stormtrooper. Who just smelled rancid milk.

Today, I'm going to do something fun. I'm going to Google "Famous Kanye West Quotes" and comment on the first 3 I find. Let's hope he doesn't disappoint.

1) "Why [does] everything that's supposed to be bad make me feel so good?"

Kanye, mewling like a pregnant woman doesn't make you cool.

2) "If you have the opportunity to play this game of life you need to appreciate every moment. A lot of people don`t appreciate the moment until it's passed"

Kanye, this is a fantastic sentiment. What a shame that it was already the main subject of an Eminem song in 2002. But who has heard that song? It only won 2 Grammys and a goatfucking Oscar.

3) "We gonna touch the sky."

More like, FUCK YOU, Kanye! I'm not touching anything with you.

Okay, that last one was a big old helping of weak steak with bullshit sauce. However, the first two are certifiably Kanye. I think I'm going to start using that name as an insult. "Dude, you're such a fucking Kanye." I'm a genius.

International Dickhead Scale: 3/10. Really, the only harm he does is polluting the airwaves.

Current Makers of Parody Movies are dicks.

To anyone making a parody movie: fucking stop. There's only enough material for one good parody movie every two or three years, tops. The late 90's were a golden age of sorts for the parody movie, with gold coming out fairly regularly (Scary Movie 1 and Not Another Teen Movie) and absolute cinematic shit (Shriek if you know what I did last summer, etc.) coming out much more rarely. However, Get Smart is the only good parody movie to come out since 2001. And the rules don't really apply to it because 1) it is a remake and 2) it doesn't rely on jokes based on spy movie stereotypes to be funny. It gets the point across with a good story and actually funny material.

And a hefty dose of Anne Hathaway's talent.

Now, Get Smart is not the only parody movie to come out this side of '01-we have a slew of pop-culture infested cinematic stillborns polluting the market. Riding the wave of questionable popularity Scary Movies 2-400 have enjoyed, everyone seems hell-bent on cashing in on the low-budget high-return formula. They usually don't even bother changing the title. Date Movie. Epic Movie. Epic Movie 2. Superhero Movie. Disaster Movie. I saw Epic Movie and it made me want to carve out my fucking eyes with a cheese grater. I want to find the producers, writers, and directors responsible, and punch them all in the collective dick. However, that is both impractical and unconstructive, so instead I will create Pappy Dickhead's Commandments for Making a Good Parody Movie:

1) No Pointless Pop Culture References

Worst offender: Tie: Disaster Movie and Meet the Spartans.

Let me be frank: I am assuming these are the worst offenders because there were YouTube references in the damn trailer for MTS and the Disaster Movie trailer prominently featured Amy Winehouse. I don't know this firsthand because there is no damn way you could drag me to that movie. If I want to watch YouTube, I can do it from the privacy of my own living room, with a scotch in one hand and my dick in the other. I would rather deep throat a frozen turd than watch this shit.

2) There shall be titties.

Best example: Not Another Teen Movie.

Let's face it: with the exception of Get Smart, you aren't here to see an original concept. You are here for lighthearted entertainment, and what could be more lighthearted than boobs? I want a bed made out of boobs. (note to self-look into patent options for "tittybed")

3) No Unnecessary Sequels

Worst offender: Scary Movies 2-4, with 5 slated for release in 2011.

Best Example: again, Not Another Teen Movie. The material was used up, so they stopped.

I realize that Hollywood is run by the Almighty Dollar, and if someone thinks it'll make money, it's going to get released. Maybe I should have titled this post "Shitheads who watch movies they know will be terrible are Dicks."

4) Have a plot
Best Example: Scary Movie

We are talking about parodies here. I understand you don't have Jim Uhls working on your screenplay, but at least have something the audience can follow. I went to see Epic Movie and spend the entire movie scratching my head (read:my balls) and wondering what the fuck I was supposed to be watching. It doesn't have to be an original plot; Scary Movie used a mostly Scream-esque plot while NATM was mostly She's All That, but you have to have a starting point.

People Involved in Parody Movies, I give you a 6/10 on the International Dickhead Scale. Do something useful.