Robots, Sweden are dicks.

A Swedish company recently had a robot assault a maintenance worker, snapping four ribs like so many rice krispies (sources did not indicate whether they also crackled and popped). At this time it is unknown if the robot had an Austrian accent and carried a sawed-off shotgun in a box of roses, so I'm forced to assume it did.

The maintenance worker in question was supposed to perform necessary maintenance on either the robot or a machine next to it. More than likely whistling to himself, certainly unaware that he was about to be involved in robotfighting (the most testosterone-fueled activity known to man other than grizzly bear rape), the man was caught off guard when the machine grabbed him by the head.

I would like to point out at this point that the ribs which he broke were not located in his head, which means that either the robot held him by the head and pummeled his body with its free appendages, or something considerably less awesome.

Swedish engineering at work

The worker managed to fight the robot off-possibly through use of a hydraulic press and/or pit of molten steel- and escaped with his life.

Sweden's response was to fine the company $3000. To put that in perspective, in Texas, the second DWI offense is, among other severe penalties (including driver's license suspension and jail time), $4000.

Apparently constructing man-hunting robots is only 75% as bad as driving after 5 beers.

Sweden gets a 6/10, robots get a 9.5/10 on the International Dickhead Scale.

Bill was a dick.

In Tarantino's masterpiece Kill Bill volumes 1 and 2, the late masturbation victim David Carradine portrayed the titular Bill. He was the leader of the Deadly Viper Assassination Squad, and was presumably responsible for the death of dozens of people. However, those people are not the focus of the Dickhead Chronicles.

The focus of the Dickhead Chronicles is his treatment of one Beatrix Kiddo, also known as The Bride. He fucked all of his assassins, and happened to get Beatrix pregnant. Beatrix chose not to allow her daughter to be born into a life based around "jetting around the world, killing human beings, and being payed vast sums of money for it." She chose to move to El Paso, Texas and find a chump to marry. Bill found out about this, carefully contemplated, and came up with a reasonable, appropriate response:murdering her husband to be, along with his family and friends, and putting a bullet in her head.

Pictured: reasonable, appropriate response.

He ended up getting his comeuppance, but as he said, he is a "murdering bastard, and there are consequences to breaking the heart of a murdering bastard." And there are also consequences to breaking the heart of a dickhead.

Taking into account the severe breaking of boss/employee etiquette, I give Bill a 6/10 on the International Dickhead Scale.

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman was a dick.

In Stanley Kubrick's Full Metal Jacket, R. Lee Ermey plays the drill sergeant in charge of the training of young marines. By training, I mean constructive criticism, a helpful attitude, and a persona of quiet, wise guidance. Here are the nine most helpful pieces of advice he offers in the movie, in no particular order:

9) "If you ladies leave my island, if you survive recruit training, you will be a weapon. You will be a minister of death, praying for war. But until that day, you are pukes. You are the lowest form of life on Earth. You are not even human fucking beings! You are nothing but unorganized grab-ass-tic pieces of amphibian shit."

8) "Who the fuck said that? Who's the slimy little comet of shit twinkle-toed cocksucker down here who just signed his own death warrant? Nobody, huh? The fairy fucking godmother said it. Out-fucking-standing. I'll [physical train] you all until you fucking die!"

7) "I admire your honesty. Hell, I like you. You can come over to my house and fuck my sister!" *punches Private Joker in the gut*

6) "You had best unfuck yourself or I will unscrew your head and shit down your neck!"

5) "I bet you're the kind of guy who would fuck a person in the ass and not even have the goddamn common courtesy to give him a reach around! I'll be watchin you!"

4) "Private Pyle, I'm gonna give you three seconds, exactly three fucking seconds to wipe that stupid looking grin off your face, or I will gouge out your eyeballs and skullfuck you!"

3) "Private Pyle, you had best square your ass away and start shitting me Tiffany cufflinks. Or I will definitely fuck you up!"

2) "Move it! Are you quitting on me? Well are you? Then quit, you slimy fucking walrus looking piece of shit! Get the fuck off of my obstacle! Get the fuck down off of my obstacle! Now! Move it! I'm gonna rip your balls off so you cannot contaminate the rest of the world!"

1) "Were you born a fat slimy scumbag puke piece of shit, Private Pyle, or did you have to work on it? Move it up! Quickly! Hustle up! The fuckin war will be over by the time we get up there, won't it, Private Pyle? Move it! Are you going to fucking die, Pyle? Are you going to die on me? Do it now! [...] Do you feel dizzy? Do you feel faint? Jesus H. Christ, I think you've got a hard-on!"

I was originally planning on commenting on each of those statements, but I really don't think anything I can say can do justice to Gunnery Sergeant Hartman's effective leadership skills.

Pictured: Effective Leadership Skills

Hartman ends up punishing the entire platoon (brigade? I don't know, I can't be bothered with things like research) every time Private Pyle makes a mistake. This causes them to respond by beating Pyle mercilessly with bars of soap wrapped in towels. The constant abuse from the sergeant combined with his utter social ostracism leads to Pyle's mental breakdown. Though he makes it all the way through boot camp, on the last night he murders Gunnery Sergeant Hartman and then turns his rifle on himself (Spoiler. Fuck off, the movie came out like 20 years ago.)
Because he announced in his opening monologue that he was a raging dickhead, he gets some grace points, ending up at a 6.5/10 on the International Dickhead Scale.

Captain Hook is a dick.

Captain James Hook is the antagonist in the beloved story of Peter Pan. He is also known as being the lovable source of many children's nightmares.

I see no way this could be terrifying to a five year old.

He is the captain of the Jolly Roger, and the sworn nemesis of Peter Pan and the Lost Boys. He spends his time kidnapping children, swearing violently, abusing his crew, and trying to trick Peter into letting his guard down so he can stab him.

"Would you have a seat over there?"

Captain Hook once had a man thrown into the "boo box" to be executed with fucking scorpions. His crime was conspiracy to mutiny. Ha ha! Just kidding! He placed a bet against Hook being able to kidnap Peter Pan's children. A bet. As in a wager. Remember the time you and your buddy were drinking and he said he was gonna bring home the girl across the bar? Remember how you entered into a friendly wager with him, saying he wouldn't? That was a capital crime on board the Jolly Roger.

Roulette was probably punishable by flogging.

Captain Hook, you get a 7.5/10 on the International Dickhead Scale. However, I don't think they have the Internet in Neverland, so you'll probably never see this.

The Ascaris worm is a dick.

Most parasites are dickheads; they don't do anything productive, they leech what they need to survive from something bigger, stronger, and better adapted to the world at large, and they leave their host weaker and worse off as a result of their actions. So, in many respects, they are like bicycle cops.

Pictured: upholding the law

But, they get a bit of leeway, because they are just following their method of survival. However, the Ascaris worm exceeds all expectations of dickery. When they are present in people, it is referred to as Ascariasis. About 1 in 6 people in the world currently have this infection. Because I like lists, I will give the expected life cycle of the Ascaris worm as it relates to humans in list form.

1) The egg is swallowed, by eating contaminated meat or plant products contaminated with feces.

2) The egg hatches in the intestines.

3) The larvae, driven by primal instinct to be a total fucking douche, burrows through the intestinal wall to the lung. It also burrows through muscle, and any important organs that happen to be in the way, depending on where in the intestines it hatches.

4) Once in the lung, the human body coats the worm in mucus. It is couged up and swallowed.

5) The worm passes through the digestive tract, and stops in the intestines, where it lives out its adult life.

6) The worm lays its eggs in the intestines, and they are passed out in the feces.

If you noticed something strange about #3-5, congratulations, you are not as big a prick as the Ascaris worm. If you didn't, go back and read it again-the worm burrows through your internal organs and ends up exactly where it started. I see absolutely no reason for this; it must be simply because the Ascaris worm is a total douchebag. That's like breaking into someone's house, stealing all of their valuables, loading them into your getaway car, and then waiting for them to get home so you can beat the shit out of them before you make your getaway.

They also look horrifying:

Guh.

The Ascaris worm gets a 9/10 on the International Dickhead Scale.

Christopher Columbus was a dick.

This October 12th, we will be celebrating the day Columbus discovered America. We call this Columbus Day. Venezualans call it the Day of Indigenous Resistance. They call it this because the Day the Native Culture Got Sodomized was already taken (citation needed).

Columbus started this day off right by dicking one of his crew out of a small fortune. The first person to sight land was supposed to get a pension for life of 10,000 maravedis (at current exchange rates, about twelve bucks). The sailor tried to collect his reward, and Columbus informed him that he himself had "seen a light" the evening before, and the sailor would get nothing (Zinn 2). To give you an idea how much money this was back then, consider the following: In 1755, after two hundred sixty more years of inflation, the Homestead Newspaper valued a "Mulatto boy" named Harry at $27 (Indentured Servants and Slave Prices). So basically, Columbus cheated an employee out of the equivalent of a free slave, every two years, for life. Before breakfast.

He then came ashore, and met a friendly people called the Arawak. They were very generous and friendly, giving Columbus and his men presents. Columbus, seeing the tiny gold earrings they wore, assumed the island had gold floating around everywhere... like pollen, or genocide. He took a bunch of slaves back to Spain, lied to the King and Queen about what he found, and came back with more ships. That's when the real fun began. Spanish gold lust got to the point over the next few years that they forced all the natives to bring them gold every three months (Zinn 4). They gave a token to each person who brought it, and whenever they caught a native without this token, they cut off his fucking hands and let him bleed to death.

Might have looked something like this.

When the spanish were bored, they would "cut slices off [the natives] to test the sharpness of their blades". If they fought, they were captured, and either hanged or burned alive. If they ran, the Spanish hunted them down with dogs. The Arawak people responded with mass suicides. All told, in 2 years, Columbus and his men were responsible for 125,000 deaths in Haiti. To put that in perspective, if modern-day Tallahassee had been the place ol' Chris had landed, he would have killed 3 out of 4 people. In 2 years (Zinn 4-7).

Columbus, you get a 10/10 on the International Dickhead Scale. Congratulations, dick.

Citations:

"Indentured Servants and Slave Prices" http://curry.edschool.virginia.edu/socialstudies/projects/jvc/unit/econ/msstatemsg.html 27 March 2009

Zinn, Howard. A people's history of the United States. New York: HarperCollins, 1999.

Warden Samuel Norton was a dick.

I realize that some people may not know who Warden Samuel Norton is. I encourage those people to rethink their lives.

Warden Norton is the warden of Shawshank Prison in The Shawshank Redemption. He enjoys the classic warden hobbies of buying worm-ridden food, employing an openly sadistic captain of the guards, ignoring shower rape, and working on his smirk.

"I'm sorry, but preventing shower rape's just not in the budget."

Tim Robbins' character, Andy Dufresne, is in prison for a murder he didn't commit, and is making a habit of being raped in places much more creative than a shower. Tool sheds, laundry supply rooms, and projection rooms are all fair game. Warden Norton realizes that he has a chance to exploit his captive slave labor, and offers Andy a deal: temporary rape immunity in exchange for embezzling and laundering a fuckload of money. Andy accepts, and they live happily ever after, thriving off of each other's mutual favors.

Ha! Just kidding. Instead, evidence surfaces showing Andy's innocence, and Norton has the only witness shot. Andy threatens to stop, and Norton informs him that he will be "cast down with the sodomites."

7/10. Fucking prick.

Kanye West is a Dick.

Kanye West is one of those guys that most people just try to ignore. His outrageous self-comparisons to Jesus, his insistence that he is one of the great singers of our time, and his generally questionable sunglasses scream "douchebag."

Also, he is a breakdancing stormtrooper. Who just smelled rancid milk.

Today, I'm going to do something fun. I'm going to Google "Famous Kanye West Quotes" and comment on the first 3 I find. Let's hope he doesn't disappoint.

1) "Why [does] everything that's supposed to be bad make me feel so good?"

Kanye, mewling like a pregnant woman doesn't make you cool.

2) "If you have the opportunity to play this game of life you need to appreciate every moment. A lot of people don`t appreciate the moment until it's passed"

Kanye, this is a fantastic sentiment. What a shame that it was already the main subject of an Eminem song in 2002. But who has heard that song? It only won 2 Grammys and a goatfucking Oscar.

3) "We gonna touch the sky."

More like, FUCK YOU, Kanye! I'm not touching anything with you.

Okay, that last one was a big old helping of weak steak with bullshit sauce. However, the first two are certifiably Kanye. I think I'm going to start using that name as an insult. "Dude, you're such a fucking Kanye." I'm a genius.

International Dickhead Scale: 3/10. Really, the only harm he does is polluting the airwaves.

Current Makers of Parody Movies are dicks.

To anyone making a parody movie: fucking stop. There's only enough material for one good parody movie every two or three years, tops. The late 90's were a golden age of sorts for the parody movie, with gold coming out fairly regularly (Scary Movie 1 and Not Another Teen Movie) and absolute cinematic shit (Shriek if you know what I did last summer, etc.) coming out much more rarely. However, Get Smart is the only good parody movie to come out since 2001. And the rules don't really apply to it because 1) it is a remake and 2) it doesn't rely on jokes based on spy movie stereotypes to be funny. It gets the point across with a good story and actually funny material.

And a hefty dose of Anne Hathaway's talent.

Now, Get Smart is not the only parody movie to come out this side of '01-we have a slew of pop-culture infested cinematic stillborns polluting the market. Riding the wave of questionable popularity Scary Movies 2-400 have enjoyed, everyone seems hell-bent on cashing in on the low-budget high-return formula. They usually don't even bother changing the title. Date Movie. Epic Movie. Epic Movie 2. Superhero Movie. Disaster Movie. I saw Epic Movie and it made me want to carve out my fucking eyes with a cheese grater. I want to find the producers, writers, and directors responsible, and punch them all in the collective dick. However, that is both impractical and unconstructive, so instead I will create Pappy Dickhead's Commandments for Making a Good Parody Movie:

1) No Pointless Pop Culture References

Worst offender: Tie: Disaster Movie and Meet the Spartans.

Let me be frank: I am assuming these are the worst offenders because there were YouTube references in the damn trailer for MTS and the Disaster Movie trailer prominently featured Amy Winehouse. I don't know this firsthand because there is no damn way you could drag me to that movie. If I want to watch YouTube, I can do it from the privacy of my own living room, with a scotch in one hand and my dick in the other. I would rather deep throat a frozen turd than watch this shit.

2) There shall be titties.

Best example: Not Another Teen Movie.

Let's face it: with the exception of Get Smart, you aren't here to see an original concept. You are here for lighthearted entertainment, and what could be more lighthearted than boobs? I want a bed made out of boobs. (note to self-look into patent options for "tittybed")

3) No Unnecessary Sequels

Worst offender: Scary Movies 2-4, with 5 slated for release in 2011.

Best Example: again, Not Another Teen Movie. The material was used up, so they stopped.

I realize that Hollywood is run by the Almighty Dollar, and if someone thinks it'll make money, it's going to get released. Maybe I should have titled this post "Shitheads who watch movies they know will be terrible are Dicks."

4) Have a plot
Best Example: Scary Movie

We are talking about parodies here. I understand you don't have Jim Uhls working on your screenplay, but at least have something the audience can follow. I went to see Epic Movie and spend the entire movie scratching my head (read:my balls) and wondering what the fuck I was supposed to be watching. It doesn't have to be an original plot; Scary Movie used a mostly Scream-esque plot while NATM was mostly She's All That, but you have to have a starting point.

People Involved in Parody Movies, I give you a 6/10 on the International Dickhead Scale. Do something useful.

Christian Bale is a dick.

By now, everyone should have heard about Christian Bale's on-set rant during the shooting of Terminator: Salvation. In case you were wondering however, he had a good reason: He was shooting fucking Terminator: Salvation. In all seriousness, these guys seem so dead-set on destroying their legacy, you would think they were George Lucas.

It didn't say whether or not Lucas was drunk, so I am forced to assume he was.

However frustrated he is about pissing on a beloved franchise, Bale's rant clearly included the ABCs of being a raging dickhead.

A is for Asshole: "Fuck's sake, man, you're amateur." The man is a Director of Photography on a $150 million film. He is clearly a professional. And you, sir, are a dick.

B is for Belligerent: "I'm gonna fuckin kick your fuckin ass[...] do you want me to go trash your lights?" Clearly, the punishment for walking in someone's line of sight should be a severe flogging.

C is for Condescending: "Then why the fuck are you walking right through- a da da da da like this in the background? What the fuck is it with you? What don't you fuckin understand? Do you have any fuckin idear [sic] about...it's fuckin distracting"! On top of the ice cream sundae of physical intimidation comes the sweet, sweet cherry of being talked to like an infant.

Since it was just talking like a dickhead, I'll only give you a 5/10 on the IDS. However, if your domestic abuse case hadn't been thrown out of court, rest assured you would be higher. Dick.

Ice Cube is a dick.

Ice Cube should not star in children's movies, Ice Cube should not star in children's movies, ICE CUBE SHOULD NOT STAR IN MOTHERFUCKING CHILDREN'S MOVIES. He has starred in 3 children's movies in the last four years. Fucking seriously? I'm done, I'm too pissed to say anything else before rolling into the top five reasons Ice Cube shouldn't star in any more children's movies:

5) Gangsta, Gangsta. "Takin' a life or two, that's what the hell I do. You don't like how I'm livin', well, fuck you." That's who I want teaching America's children about road trips, home repair, and Pop Warner football.

4) Friday. Ice Cube's first big cinematic hit was all about smoking weed, selling weed, owning unlicensed firearms, trying to fuck your sister's friend, and drug-related violence. Take away the word "friend" in that sentence and replace "weed" with cocaine, and you have the plot of Scarface.

3) The Wrong Nigga to Fuck Wit. In Cube's 1991 track, he claims that "when [his] nine goes buck, it'll bust your head like a watermelon from twelve stories up" Clearly, this guy is a role model-oh, fuck. Did he say something about that in Gangsta, Gangsta? "To a kid lookin up to me-life ain't nothin but bitches and money."

"Stay in school, kids!"

2) Hello. In this ill-advised quasi-reunion of NWA, Ice Cube reminds everyone that he "started this gangsta shit." People talk about how much pressure is put on young people in poor areas to be tough. Maybe the person who claims he started that movement isn't the best to counteract it with fart jokes and physical comedy?

1) All of the children's movies he has made so far. The International Movie Database doesn't rank any of the three higher than a 4.2/10. The three movies combine for a 10.3/30. He is fucking terrible at making kid's movies. Although, to be fair, he didn't have a lot to work with in The Longshots. That was the second project of this director:

"I directed this poignant piece about a young woman's struggle with gender roles for the nookie."

Ice Cube, I'm an easy guy to please. All I need to be happy is enough scotch to put in my corn flakes every morning. But you are fucking pushing it. You made excellent gangster rap, and were a true musical pioneer. But that doesn't make you Mister Fucking Rogers. Stop making kid's movies. You get a 6/10 on the International Dickhead Scale, and I've got my eye on you.

The International Dickhead Scale

I've made allusions to the IDS before, and I would like to share exactly what the International Dickhead Scale is.
It's an ascending scale from 1-10, with numbers corresponding to varying levels of Dick.

1) The waiter who gives you a dirty look when you ask for a refill after being empty for five minutes. Earn your tip, dickhead.

2) The guy who takes a shit on the floor of the public showers at the gym. Seriously?

3) Billy Mays. We know you're excited about everything, but you sell questionable products to old women who can't be bothered to learn how to find a stud in a wall. And you're uncomfortably energetic. Fuck you, Billy Mays, I don't have to explain myself to you.

4) Simon Cowell. While he's entertaining, making fun of 19 year old girls right after you crush their dreams makes you a straight-up dickhead.

5) Andy Dick. Whether groping 17 year olds, showing off his cock at comedy shows, or giving cocaine to a recovering addict, leading to the death of Phil Hartman (which he later joked about, according to Jon Lovitz), this guy is a 100% dickhead.

6) Mike Tyson. He bites, he rapes, he declares bankruptcy.

7) Megatron. Anyone who hates humans and wants to rule the galaxy qualifies as a dick.

8) Scar from The Lion King. He killed his brother, presumably tried to bone his dead brother's wife, exiled and tried to have his nephew killed, and ran his country into the ground.

Not pictured: Remorse

9) Paris of Troy. The one who caused one of the most famous battles of all time, which ended in his city being completely ransacked and burned to the ground, because he couldn't be satisfied with any Trojan woman he wanted. He had to have Helen. Next time don't pick the wife of the king of motherfucking Sparta.

10) Emperor Nero. Playing a lyre while your city burns qualifies you as El Supremo Dickhead. Not to mention covering people with animal skins and having them eaten by dogs. Also, he had his mother executed. What a fucking dick.

Chris Brown is a dick.

Since everyone knows how this one's going to end, the real debate is where to begin. Ah, fuck creativity. Chris Brown is a[n alleged] woman-beating piece of shit. There, I said it. He beat the ever-living shit out of his girlfriend last week (allegedly). Rihanna was knocked unconscious, and even had some MOTHERFUCKING BITE MARKS on her body. The police officer who investigated said that her forehead was swelling to the point that it looked like devil's horns were growing. This makes the lyrics from Brown's 2005 hit "Run It" a little less sexually charged, and a touch more downright appalling. I did some poking around in my imagination, and found the hidden track on that CD, which featured the unedited chorus.

"Is your man on the floor? If he ain't, lemme know, so I can beat you savagely. Bitch."

Seriously, could Chris Brown be more of a raging dickhead? The man makes it big at age 16 with a song about finding women willing to cheat on their significant others in the club, and is beating his far more talented girlfriend before his 20th birthday. Motherfucking allegedly. The fight was supposedly set off when Brown got a booty call. His woman understandably flipped shit, and they started fighting. Somehow, magically, the car got pulled over and made it to the state where she could remove the keys from the ignition and throw them out of the window. Keep in mind that this was a Lamborghini. A rented Lamborghini. What in the name of purple fuck are you doing pulled over, with your rented Lamborghini turned off and the windows down while you are clearly distracted, Chris? I don't care what kind of neighborhood you're in, that's not safe. I know kids with trust funds to Yale that would mug your ass in that situation. Dick!

Regardless of how stupid he had to be to even put himself in that situation, the real dick emerged once she threw his keys out of the window (allegedly). Sources claim that Brown then exited the vehicle, looked for the keys, and couldn't find them. He then returned to the car and throttled Rihanna like Mike Vick on a Labrador while shouting clever things like "I'll kill you, bitch!" Allegedly. Seriously, dude? Seriously. In this situation, there are several appropriate ways to handle the situation, and a few that simply shouldn't be options. See if you can tell the difference:

1) In all seriousness, honey, that was unacceptable. Please help me look for the keys to my rented Lamborghini so we can get to the Grammys, where we are both performing. This is an opportunity of a lifetime, darling, and we can't afford to let a petty squabble get in the way.

2) (If you SIMPLY MUST keep up the hip-hop veneer) My Lambo! BITCH! *pull out cell phone, call a limo service, call assistant to go find the keys while you go play the Grammys*

3) FUCK YOU, BITCH!!!! I'M GOING TO PHYSICALLY END YOUR LIFE IN FRONT OF THE ENTIRE UNITED STATES SUPREME COURT WHILE EXPRESSING UNREPENTANT SUPPORT FOR BOTH AL-QAEDA AND FORMER PRESIDENT BUSH SIMULTANEOUSLY!!! *Bite*

In case you were wondering, that last one is not what actually happened, but it's way too damn close for anything besides a public relations nightmare. And I don't mean the "showed up to work naked" nightmare. I mean the "involved in a prison orgy with Rush Limbaugh, 50 Cent, and the New York Knicks" nightmare.

Now, Chris, I understand that as a hip-hop artist, you feel the need to keep up the image of being "hard." Let's evaluate this. Do you know what other hip-hop artist worked at living the rough image he had created? Eazy E. Do you remember what happened to Eazy E, Chris? He got AIDS. Lots and lots of turbo AIDS. Stop beating women, Chris, or you'll get AIDS.

Allegedly.

Chris Brown gets a total of 8.5/10 on the International Dickhead scale. Bite marks. Fucking seriously?

News of the World is a dick.

Let me be clear here. I'm not a fan of Michael Phelps. I respect him as an athlete, but his douchey exploits have been documented in detail by far more talented writers than I. I would like to be clear. MICHAEL PHELPS IS A FUCKING DOUCHECOCK.

More douche for me, please!

However, people need to stop getting their panties in a twist about this picture of Phelps smoking weed. Over half the Americans in his age group have tried weed, and forty percent of all Americans have used it on at least one occasion. The only reason Phelps should be scrutinized more than average is if it has to do with performance enhancers. I once asked a pothead to make a list for me of the similarities and differences between weed and performance-enhancing drugs, and I came up with the following:

1)
2)
3)

If you noticed that there's actually nothing on that list, it's because being high makes you fucking worthless. What are people complaining about? If the Supreme Ruler of All Douche wants to impair his performance for the next Olympics, who gives a fuck? It's only his own career he's pissing away.

And, for the people who would bring up the point that he should be subjected to greater scrutiny because he's an athlete-a celebrity, a role model to young children, I say to you this: Are you FUCKING SERIOUS? He's a swimmer. It doesn't count. If you asked a group of randomly selected children if they would rather grow up to be a professional swimmer, or grow up to be sodomized by eleven zebras, you wouldn't get an answer, because you would be in prison. However, no kids look up to swimmers. It's science.

To wrap things up, News of the World is winning in the dickhead race of the Douchebag Olympics. News of the World, I give you the middle finger and a 6.5/10 on the International Dickhead scale. It would have been higher if Phelps wasn't such a fucking cock. You get off easy, News of the World.