The Ascaris worm is a dick.

Most parasites are dickheads; they don't do anything productive, they leech what they need to survive from something bigger, stronger, and better adapted to the world at large, and they leave their host weaker and worse off as a result of their actions. So, in many respects, they are like bicycle cops.

Pictured: upholding the law

But, they get a bit of leeway, because they are just following their method of survival. However, the Ascaris worm exceeds all expectations of dickery. When they are present in people, it is referred to as Ascariasis. About 1 in 6 people in the world currently have this infection. Because I like lists, I will give the expected life cycle of the Ascaris worm as it relates to humans in list form.

1) The egg is swallowed, by eating contaminated meat or plant products contaminated with feces.

2) The egg hatches in the intestines.

3) The larvae, driven by primal instinct to be a total fucking douche, burrows through the intestinal wall to the lung. It also burrows through muscle, and any important organs that happen to be in the way, depending on where in the intestines it hatches.

4) Once in the lung, the human body coats the worm in mucus. It is couged up and swallowed.

5) The worm passes through the digestive tract, and stops in the intestines, where it lives out its adult life.

6) The worm lays its eggs in the intestines, and they are passed out in the feces.

If you noticed something strange about #3-5, congratulations, you are not as big a prick as the Ascaris worm. If you didn't, go back and read it again-the worm burrows through your internal organs and ends up exactly where it started. I see absolutely no reason for this; it must be simply because the Ascaris worm is a total douchebag. That's like breaking into someone's house, stealing all of their valuables, loading them into your getaway car, and then waiting for them to get home so you can beat the shit out of them before you make your getaway.

They also look horrifying:

Guh.

The Ascaris worm gets a 9/10 on the International Dickhead Scale.