Christian Bale is a dick.

By now, everyone should have heard about Christian Bale's on-set rant during the shooting of Terminator: Salvation. In case you were wondering however, he had a good reason: He was shooting fucking Terminator: Salvation. In all seriousness, these guys seem so dead-set on destroying their legacy, you would think they were George Lucas.

It didn't say whether or not Lucas was drunk, so I am forced to assume he was.

However frustrated he is about pissing on a beloved franchise, Bale's rant clearly included the ABCs of being a raging dickhead.

A is for Asshole: "Fuck's sake, man, you're amateur." The man is a Director of Photography on a $150 million film. He is clearly a professional. And you, sir, are a dick.

B is for Belligerent: "I'm gonna fuckin kick your fuckin ass[...] do you want me to go trash your lights?" Clearly, the punishment for walking in someone's line of sight should be a severe flogging.

C is for Condescending: "Then why the fuck are you walking right through- a da da da da like this in the background? What the fuck is it with you? What don't you fuckin understand? Do you have any fuckin idear [sic] about...it's fuckin distracting"! On top of the ice cream sundae of physical intimidation comes the sweet, sweet cherry of being talked to like an infant.

Since it was just talking like a dickhead, I'll only give you a 5/10 on the IDS. However, if your domestic abuse case hadn't been thrown out of court, rest assured you would be higher. Dick.

Ice Cube is a dick.

Ice Cube should not star in children's movies, Ice Cube should not star in children's movies, ICE CUBE SHOULD NOT STAR IN MOTHERFUCKING CHILDREN'S MOVIES. He has starred in 3 children's movies in the last four years. Fucking seriously? I'm done, I'm too pissed to say anything else before rolling into the top five reasons Ice Cube shouldn't star in any more children's movies:

5) Gangsta, Gangsta. "Takin' a life or two, that's what the hell I do. You don't like how I'm livin', well, fuck you." That's who I want teaching America's children about road trips, home repair, and Pop Warner football.

4) Friday. Ice Cube's first big cinematic hit was all about smoking weed, selling weed, owning unlicensed firearms, trying to fuck your sister's friend, and drug-related violence. Take away the word "friend" in that sentence and replace "weed" with cocaine, and you have the plot of Scarface.

3) The Wrong Nigga to Fuck Wit. In Cube's 1991 track, he claims that "when [his] nine goes buck, it'll bust your head like a watermelon from twelve stories up" Clearly, this guy is a role model-oh, fuck. Did he say something about that in Gangsta, Gangsta? "To a kid lookin up to me-life ain't nothin but bitches and money."

"Stay in school, kids!"

2) Hello. In this ill-advised quasi-reunion of NWA, Ice Cube reminds everyone that he "started this gangsta shit." People talk about how much pressure is put on young people in poor areas to be tough. Maybe the person who claims he started that movement isn't the best to counteract it with fart jokes and physical comedy?

1) All of the children's movies he has made so far. The International Movie Database doesn't rank any of the three higher than a 4.2/10. The three movies combine for a 10.3/30. He is fucking terrible at making kid's movies. Although, to be fair, he didn't have a lot to work with in The Longshots. That was the second project of this director:

"I directed this poignant piece about a young woman's struggle with gender roles for the nookie."

Ice Cube, I'm an easy guy to please. All I need to be happy is enough scotch to put in my corn flakes every morning. But you are fucking pushing it. You made excellent gangster rap, and were a true musical pioneer. But that doesn't make you Mister Fucking Rogers. Stop making kid's movies. You get a 6/10 on the International Dickhead Scale, and I've got my eye on you.

The International Dickhead Scale

I've made allusions to the IDS before, and I would like to share exactly what the International Dickhead Scale is.
It's an ascending scale from 1-10, with numbers corresponding to varying levels of Dick.

1) The waiter who gives you a dirty look when you ask for a refill after being empty for five minutes. Earn your tip, dickhead.

2) The guy who takes a shit on the floor of the public showers at the gym. Seriously?

3) Billy Mays. We know you're excited about everything, but you sell questionable products to old women who can't be bothered to learn how to find a stud in a wall. And you're uncomfortably energetic. Fuck you, Billy Mays, I don't have to explain myself to you.

4) Simon Cowell. While he's entertaining, making fun of 19 year old girls right after you crush their dreams makes you a straight-up dickhead.

5) Andy Dick. Whether groping 17 year olds, showing off his cock at comedy shows, or giving cocaine to a recovering addict, leading to the death of Phil Hartman (which he later joked about, according to Jon Lovitz), this guy is a 100% dickhead.

6) Mike Tyson. He bites, he rapes, he declares bankruptcy.

7) Megatron. Anyone who hates humans and wants to rule the galaxy qualifies as a dick.

8) Scar from The Lion King. He killed his brother, presumably tried to bone his dead brother's wife, exiled and tried to have his nephew killed, and ran his country into the ground.

Not pictured: Remorse

9) Paris of Troy. The one who caused one of the most famous battles of all time, which ended in his city being completely ransacked and burned to the ground, because he couldn't be satisfied with any Trojan woman he wanted. He had to have Helen. Next time don't pick the wife of the king of motherfucking Sparta.

10) Emperor Nero. Playing a lyre while your city burns qualifies you as El Supremo Dickhead. Not to mention covering people with animal skins and having them eaten by dogs. Also, he had his mother executed. What a fucking dick.

Chris Brown is a dick.

Since everyone knows how this one's going to end, the real debate is where to begin. Ah, fuck creativity. Chris Brown is a[n alleged] woman-beating piece of shit. There, I said it. He beat the ever-living shit out of his girlfriend last week (allegedly). Rihanna was knocked unconscious, and even had some MOTHERFUCKING BITE MARKS on her body. The police officer who investigated said that her forehead was swelling to the point that it looked like devil's horns were growing. This makes the lyrics from Brown's 2005 hit "Run It" a little less sexually charged, and a touch more downright appalling. I did some poking around in my imagination, and found the hidden track on that CD, which featured the unedited chorus.

"Is your man on the floor? If he ain't, lemme know, so I can beat you savagely. Bitch."

Seriously, could Chris Brown be more of a raging dickhead? The man makes it big at age 16 with a song about finding women willing to cheat on their significant others in the club, and is beating his far more talented girlfriend before his 20th birthday. Motherfucking allegedly. The fight was supposedly set off when Brown got a booty call. His woman understandably flipped shit, and they started fighting. Somehow, magically, the car got pulled over and made it to the state where she could remove the keys from the ignition and throw them out of the window. Keep in mind that this was a Lamborghini. A rented Lamborghini. What in the name of purple fuck are you doing pulled over, with your rented Lamborghini turned off and the windows down while you are clearly distracted, Chris? I don't care what kind of neighborhood you're in, that's not safe. I know kids with trust funds to Yale that would mug your ass in that situation. Dick!

Regardless of how stupid he had to be to even put himself in that situation, the real dick emerged once she threw his keys out of the window (allegedly). Sources claim that Brown then exited the vehicle, looked for the keys, and couldn't find them. He then returned to the car and throttled Rihanna like Mike Vick on a Labrador while shouting clever things like "I'll kill you, bitch!" Allegedly. Seriously, dude? Seriously. In this situation, there are several appropriate ways to handle the situation, and a few that simply shouldn't be options. See if you can tell the difference:

1) In all seriousness, honey, that was unacceptable. Please help me look for the keys to my rented Lamborghini so we can get to the Grammys, where we are both performing. This is an opportunity of a lifetime, darling, and we can't afford to let a petty squabble get in the way.

2) (If you SIMPLY MUST keep up the hip-hop veneer) My Lambo! BITCH! *pull out cell phone, call a limo service, call assistant to go find the keys while you go play the Grammys*

3) FUCK YOU, BITCH!!!! I'M GOING TO PHYSICALLY END YOUR LIFE IN FRONT OF THE ENTIRE UNITED STATES SUPREME COURT WHILE EXPRESSING UNREPENTANT SUPPORT FOR BOTH AL-QAEDA AND FORMER PRESIDENT BUSH SIMULTANEOUSLY!!! *Bite*

In case you were wondering, that last one is not what actually happened, but it's way too damn close for anything besides a public relations nightmare. And I don't mean the "showed up to work naked" nightmare. I mean the "involved in a prison orgy with Rush Limbaugh, 50 Cent, and the New York Knicks" nightmare.

Now, Chris, I understand that as a hip-hop artist, you feel the need to keep up the image of being "hard." Let's evaluate this. Do you know what other hip-hop artist worked at living the rough image he had created? Eazy E. Do you remember what happened to Eazy E, Chris? He got AIDS. Lots and lots of turbo AIDS. Stop beating women, Chris, or you'll get AIDS.

Allegedly.

Chris Brown gets a total of 8.5/10 on the International Dickhead scale. Bite marks. Fucking seriously?

News of the World is a dick.

Let me be clear here. I'm not a fan of Michael Phelps. I respect him as an athlete, but his douchey exploits have been documented in detail by far more talented writers than I. I would like to be clear. MICHAEL PHELPS IS A FUCKING DOUCHECOCK.

More douche for me, please!

However, people need to stop getting their panties in a twist about this picture of Phelps smoking weed. Over half the Americans in his age group have tried weed, and forty percent of all Americans have used it on at least one occasion. The only reason Phelps should be scrutinized more than average is if it has to do with performance enhancers. I once asked a pothead to make a list for me of the similarities and differences between weed and performance-enhancing drugs, and I came up with the following:

1)
2)
3)

If you noticed that there's actually nothing on that list, it's because being high makes you fucking worthless. What are people complaining about? If the Supreme Ruler of All Douche wants to impair his performance for the next Olympics, who gives a fuck? It's only his own career he's pissing away.

And, for the people who would bring up the point that he should be subjected to greater scrutiny because he's an athlete-a celebrity, a role model to young children, I say to you this: Are you FUCKING SERIOUS? He's a swimmer. It doesn't count. If you asked a group of randomly selected children if they would rather grow up to be a professional swimmer, or grow up to be sodomized by eleven zebras, you wouldn't get an answer, because you would be in prison. However, no kids look up to swimmers. It's science.

To wrap things up, News of the World is winning in the dickhead race of the Douchebag Olympics. News of the World, I give you the middle finger and a 6.5/10 on the International Dickhead scale. It would have been higher if Phelps wasn't such a fucking cock. You get off easy, News of the World.