News of the World is a dick.

Let me be clear here. I'm not a fan of Michael Phelps. I respect him as an athlete, but his douchey exploits have been documented in detail by far more talented writers than I. I would like to be clear. MICHAEL PHELPS IS A FUCKING DOUCHECOCK.

More douche for me, please!

However, people need to stop getting their panties in a twist about this picture of Phelps smoking weed. Over half the Americans in his age group have tried weed, and forty percent of all Americans have used it on at least one occasion. The only reason Phelps should be scrutinized more than average is if it has to do with performance enhancers. I once asked a pothead to make a list for me of the similarities and differences between weed and performance-enhancing drugs, and I came up with the following:

1)
2)
3)

If you noticed that there's actually nothing on that list, it's because being high makes you fucking worthless. What are people complaining about? If the Supreme Ruler of All Douche wants to impair his performance for the next Olympics, who gives a fuck? It's only his own career he's pissing away.

And, for the people who would bring up the point that he should be subjected to greater scrutiny because he's an athlete-a celebrity, a role model to young children, I say to you this: Are you FUCKING SERIOUS? He's a swimmer. It doesn't count. If you asked a group of randomly selected children if they would rather grow up to be a professional swimmer, or grow up to be sodomized by eleven zebras, you wouldn't get an answer, because you would be in prison. However, no kids look up to swimmers. It's science.

To wrap things up, News of the World is winning in the dickhead race of the Douchebag Olympics. News of the World, I give you the middle finger and a 6.5/10 on the International Dickhead scale. It would have been higher if Phelps wasn't such a fucking cock. You get off easy, News of the World.